I see a lot of writing which is about positive experiences. I see very little on here about the time when we have all made really bad mistakes.
So in that light; I would like to present one of my own. I think enough time has now passed that I feel I can talk about something that happened to me back in September 2014.
I had exited my marriage in that summer and met another ‘Dom’. It was still very early days but I liked him. He paid me lots of attention and that actually, was something I needed at that point in time.
Anyway, it was to be the first time we played. He was in Leicester and I had agreed to drive to meet him there in the hotel overnight.
The first thing I noticed that he was extremely nervous. So much so that his hands were shaking trying to put the cuffs on me. That should have been my first
Big Red Flag Warning.
He led me to the bathroom door. On the other-side of it was a hook (as you expect). He lashed me in the collars and cuffs with rope to the door. Now, I don’t know if you have ever been in that position before; but it’s a stress position. I was in semi-high heels; stilettos. You cannot balance your weight on your feet properly because you are effectively ‘bowed’ by the door.
He looked at me and said I would be there for ten minutes. I murmured; already feeling the ache, that I wasn’t sure if I could do that long.
He left the room.
Now at this point, I didn’t panic. No Dom in their right mind would leave a sub unattended; let alone in a stress position. I suspected he was just behind the door and listening for me. I suspected he was trying to add a psychological edge.
How wrong I fucking was.
A few minutes went by. My legs started to behave as if they belonged to Elvis. There was a ‘whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on’.
I called our ‘Amber’. No response.
And THEN I began to panic.
I called red. Red repeatedly. Red, Red.
No use. No cavalry. You’re on your own kid.
Took a deep breath and felt how much slack I had in any of the cuffs. Turns out I had a lot. The cuffs were new and as my wrists are smaller (clearly) than my ankles, it was a relatively small matter before I could free them, then my legs.
I staggered, shaking out of the bathroom, to my case where my robe was. Just as I was struggling into it, he re-entered the room. Seeing me free; HE began to panic.
And this is the point I am most ashamed of.
What I said was this;
“I failed; I’m a failure. I couldn’t do it.”
I know why I said that; even though my own brain was screaming; get away; get far away.
What I should have said was this;
‘You’re a giant fucking cunt who is so inexperienced you should never have been let out of kink nursery. Get the fuck away from me. Don’t touch another sub until you know and understand RACK and SSC.
But I didn’t. I was at least 2 & 1/2 hours from home. I was tired. I was scared and I was upset.
The point is; that the best of us at some point have to trust that person. I did. And this is especially true of when we are about to be tied up. We all have to make that judgement. At some point.
As it turned out; he wasn’t a monster. He was a very educated man who was clearly not stupid. But he wasn’t half as experienced as he had made out. Not by half.
I made an assumption; I paid the price.
In the long term; it was OK. But imagine if I hadn’t had been?